Saturday, December 8, 2007

Daniel, you're a star...

Daniel's service was Thursday. He would have been 16 on Sunday.

The courage my aunt continues to show is amazing. In addition to personally greeting just about every single guest that made an appearance, she stood up in front of us all and gave one of the most moving, eloquent, and emotional speeches I've ever witnessed. There wasn't a dry eye in the place when she was done. She thanked Daniel for holding on as long as he could, so that she could share those final few days with him. I was floored...we all were.

My aunt would make a great character for a coming-of-age novel. Maybe I should write it someday. She has lived with a capital L. She's made more than her share of mistakes, and has had some amazing triumphs as well. My family is full of fantastic people, but I have to say, as this whole ordeal has come to a close, my aunt has been absolutely brilliant. I'm sure some might feel otherwise, but I defy any of them to stand and deliver like she did on Thursday night.

Megan (my cousin, not Meg-my girlfriend) has also been a rock through all of this. I like to think that I could be as strong as they have been. I said a few words in eulogy as well; I wanted to recognize my aunt and cousin's bravery, and to acknowledge the warm sentiments that his friends, many of whom showed up despite knowing Daniel for mere months (he had just transferred to Norristown this year), had left on his Myspace and how comforting reading those little notes are for his family. I also wanted to speak my goodbyes to Daniel by thanking him for bringing us all just a little closer together. I made a lousy joke about his hair, and ended with the cheesy "footprints on our hearts" line from my previous blog about him. Afterwards I immediately wished that I had taken the time to prepare something formally; like my cousin Laura, who gave a great speech centered around the decision to donate his organs. But I'm glad I spoke, because I think it meant something to my aunt and Megan. I've left too many funerals wishing I'd had something to say about the deceased; we all had plenty to say about Daniel.

The only time I got really emotional at the service (aside from my aunt's speech, of course) was when I began picturing myself up there in his place. Not that I am afraid of dying; I firmly believe that when your time comes, it is inevitable, and it is important for those you've left behind to remember the good you've brought to their lives. But I pictured Meg up there, hysterical, inconsolable, feeling lost and alone, and I immediately felt guilty. If she never fell in love with me, she wouldn't have to feel that pain someday. Am I fucked in the head or what? When is her love ever going to be good enough for me to be beyond justification?

I've resolved to be closer to my family in the coming year, especially the ones who have shown me nothing but love and support over the years. My aunt and cousin need that support more than ever right now. By the way, I should also recognize Alicia, who always seems to be at her best when tragedy strikes. She and Megan have always been really close, I know she's doing everything she can to make things easier on her.

I hope I've learned whatever it is I was supposed to learn from all of this. I can't shake the feeling that I'm still standing on the edge of that cliff somewhere out there, poised to either tumble into oblivion, or turn around and embrace the opportunities that life has left sitting there for me.

Pensively,

-Joey

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're right, I think we all had a lot to say that night... I'm glad you had the courage to express what you were feeling.

He was a star, a silver lining, but I know it will be a long time before I can remember him without a lump in my throat.

Keep up the writing :)