Cheeseburger Victim: Confessions, epiphanies and random ramblings of a fat kid

2010

2010-01-01T23:31:00.003-05:00

Things change.

Fast forward one year from my last post, and I'm singing a completely different tune. 2009 was not a good year for me, nor was it for many of us, to be honest. I have definitely crumbled a little (okay, a lot) and I head into 2010 hanging on to my sanity by a thread. My relationship is over; Meg is still every bit as wonderful as I've described her here in the past, but she's never been the problem...it's always been me. The house we couldn't afford has led to me working myself beyond the capacity any normal human being can rightfully expect himself to maintain. I have spent almost no time with my friends and family, including my brother Aaron, who desparately needs me in his life, and my niece Willow, who I believe I have seen 4 times in the 9 months she's been making her adorable presence felt on this planet. She lives less than 10 blocks away. I'm broke, I'm no closer to going back to school-not that I even know what I'd go back for now anyway, I'm @ my absolute unhealthiest physical state ever, I am miserable, and I barely care about anything anymore. I couldn't even really enjoy my best friend's perfect wedding in November, because I was so worried about bills and wrapped up in my own personal hell.

That's the beauty of a year though; it has a finite beginning & end, and no matter how much chaos takes place in the 363 days in between, there's always that opportunity to turn the page on January 1st. I still love my work (I'm not @ Kidspeace anymore; I work @ Indian Creek full-time) and by all accounts I'm still great at it. In a few weeks I am moving out of the house that has become such a burden to me and in with a friend who is having some of the same problems-and some that are actually even bigger-that I'm going through. We've become very close and we're looking forward to helping each other through this storm, no matter how much worse it gets. Meg is moving in with her parents and is handling the whole situation better than I could have imagined. She is going to be fine. I hope I will be too.

I have big plans for this year. And while the past year or so has pretty much sucked, it happened, and its over. To quote Cormac McCarthy...Every step you take is forever. You can't make it go away. None of it.

-Joey

Christmas tidings, etc

2008-12-24T23:26:00.030-05:00

Lots of pressure this time of year. Money (specifically a lack thereof), family, work; hell even the weather has been a thorn in my side so far this season. Usually this sends me into a self-loathing tailspin, but this year, I'm trying to do things differently.

With that in mind, I humbly present the ten greatest things I've ever done:

10) I know it sounds cliche' (and I've left it @ the bottom of the list for that reason), but I do feel playing high school football is one of the greatest things I've accomplished so far. I only played my senior season @ Quakertown (despite being decently successful in NY, for whatever reason I was hesitant to play after I moved to PA; thereby forfeiting my chances of making any kind of big impact when I finally did join the team) and we were pretty terrible, but there's just something about playing under those lights on Friday nights that sticks with you forever. Those days were the first time I really felt a connection to anything in PA, and many of the bonds I formed on the field are as strong as ever to this day, 13 years later (yikes!).

9) It took me three tries over the course of several years, but I finally finished Atlas Shrugged back when I first started working nights in 2005. It was originally a Christmas gift from my mother, who inscribed the inside cover with her trademark effusive, lovey-dovey note:

"Joey-
READ IT!
-Mom"

Dagny Taggert, Henry Rearden, Francisco d'Anconia, John Galt and that pirate guy have held a special place in my literary consciousness ever since. Given the state of our country today, it might be interesting to pick it up again (maybe I'll review it for the Cannonball Read, if that isn't cheating). Even better, it would make an awesome movie.

I'm definitely proud to have a well-worn copy of Atlas Shrugged on my bookshelf.

8) This past summer I took advantage of a unique opportunity and worked for two weeks in Maine at one of my company's satellite campuses. 1st of all, this is what Maine looks like, as seen from the lens of my camera from the top of Cadillac Moutain @ 4AM:

Scenery aside, my trip up there opened my eyes, and in many ways reaffirmed that A) I chose the right career path, and B) I am damn good at what I do. I really found my niche' up there, and I helped one kid in particular make a breakthrough that most people probably didn't think he was capable of. The staff and kids of Kidspeace Graham Lake are truly amazing people; and in all honesty, if it weren't for Meg, I probably would have never come back. Believe me, they tried like hell to keep me up there. If nothing else, I hope I'll be able to get back for a visit someday.

7) When I discovered that he was 10 years old and still didn't know how to do it, I taught Aaron how to ride a bike when my father was sick back in 2006. I've had to be many things for Aaron over the years, but that moment when he actually overcame his fear (and inclination toward self-defeat) to experience the freedom that a bicycle can represent for a boy, I was proud as I've ever been of anyone. Aaron still has a long way to go, and he rarely rides his bike anymore; my work is certainly far from done there. I'll refrain from excessive dad-bashing here, but it's a shame that my father isn't interested and/or capable of doing a better job with Aaron then he did with Alicia, Matt and me the first time around.

6) Last summer was a busy one for me, because as soon as I returned from Maine, Meg and I (bought) a house we couldn't afford, and made it work anyway. I put bought in parenthesis, because the generosity of my grandmother and uncles (who own the house) is what's really enabling us to do it; a portion of our rent goes into escrow every month, and that money will go toward our down payment @ the end of our agreement. This basically gave us three years to get our shit together, and six months in, we're slowly but surely figuring out how to make it happen-both financially and emotionally. Working a 2nd job has forced me to finally understand the true value of a dollar, and how valuable my precious free time really is. I know it isn't easy on Meg or myself, but I'm beting the view from the top will have made the long, arduous climb worthwhile.

5) Sometime in my early twenties, I'm not exactly sure when, I discovered my brother isn't a total asshole. When brothers are as close in age as Matt and I are, I have to believe that the type of fierce sibling rivalry we went through is only natural. Lacking a father only enhanced that feeling, as we each strived to be the "man of the house," and each failed miserably. The rift between us was wide and deep, and we both swallowed a lot of pride to make our relationship work again. I've come to accept that Matt and I are two radically different people with radically different perspectives, and that neither one of us is ever completely in the right, or totally in the wrong either. We've learned to meet in the middle (even on the golf course) and that has suited us just fine. I'm really proud of my brother (as well as my sister and everyone else in my family, save one) and though I'll probably never say it out loud, I love him very much.

4) I have been blessed with a wonderful circle of friends over the years; that circle begins and ends with Mike Luzzi, who became my best friend pretty much from the day we met in Kindergarten. I could go on for pages describing the impact that his friendship has had on my life; suffice it to say that maintaining my friendship with Mike through the past 24 years has helped make me the person I am today. When you spend a quarter century knowing that there is one person that will always-no matter what-have your back, you can weather any storm. Mike and I are very different people on the surface, but a little digging reveals that we share many of the same beliefs and values within. Mike was always loyal to me when the rest of my friends dropped off the face of the planet-particularly when I moved away from NY. And while we've gone through many extended periods of little or no contact, we always manage to pick up right where we left off. I love all of my friends tremendously, but Mike is my rock, and I hope he knows how important he truly is (along with his family and soon-to-be wife) to me.

3) It took entirely too long, but I finally learned to appreciate my mom when I began to write in earnest. My mother is a hero. She made a life for her children out of absolutely nothing, and went from being a cleaning lady who dabbled in blueprinting to running large-scale industrial jobsites, then turned around and took advantage of a layoff that might've crippled a lesser person and taught herself to be a network administrator. I wish I would've been impressed @ the time, but I was too busy being a punkass know-it-all teenager. A decade of exposure to the world of the working has enlightened me to just how impressive my mother really is.

Mom really pushed me when I was younger, and I guess I never really lived up to my potential (@ least not yet, anyway), which has caused a lot of strain in our relationship over the years. When she challenged my teenaged apathy by inviting me to go live with my father (who at that point was the guy I saw twice a year, and who always had a present or two and a couple of hours to pay attention to me), like an idiot, I accepted. I couldn't wait to show her that I knew better. I moved to PA because I thought my mother was some kind of evil bitch hell bent on making my life miserable by turning me into some kind of architect or doctor, god forbid. My sister later told me that my disrespect and outright defiance damaged my mother in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine, and I'll never really be able to make up for that.

Long story short, I found out what a pathetic shell of a man my father really is, and my mother bailed me out. I repaid her by continuing to act like an asshole pretty much through my entire mid-twenties.

Mom never went away. She accepted that I was hammerheading my own path through the world, and our relationship is much healthier today. I hope that someday I'm in a good enough space to return the infinite favors she's done for me over the years. My work ethic and ability to persevere are a credit to her in every way.

2) With all due respect, manual labor sucks. Shortly after high school I started working with a moving company. Know how much you all hate moving? Try doing it EVERY DAY. My first day on the trucks (after like 2 days of warehouse work) it was 98 degrees and the customer was a divorcee with 7 (that's right, SEVEN) daughters. Do you have any idea how much shit a family that large has? Even as I progressed into more specialized, high-end jobs like moving medical equipment and collectible motorcycles, working for a moving company, or doing any kind of physical labor for that matter, is a difficult way to make a buck. I'm not built for it.

Though I'd talked about it on and off ever since my high school graduation, I finally got serious about going to college when I started dating Meg. I knew that working for the moving company wouldn't be conducive to raising a family. But I also knew that, at 27, I'd still have to work full time in order to keep up with the bills.

Because I knew I wanted to teach, I looked for work that would give me some relevant experience. I eventually found Kidspeace, and I started working with kids the same week I started taking classes @ Kutztown. My life hasn't been quite the same since.

I took to the job almost immediately, and in no time at all I was supervising. I love many things about the job, and I hope that the company hangs on long enough to get me through another two years of school (which won't commence for at least another year or so due to finances). The kids I work with have brought so many new experiences into my world; they are very difficult young men at times, but at their core they're just kids in need of a little attention and a whole lot of direction-it isn't their fault that (with few exceptions) their families are trapped in a cycle of hopelessness and self-destruction. Having weathered many a frightening storm in my time here, I can't wait to see what kinds of little league junk that kids leading the sheltered suburban life are going to throw at me when I eventually graduate and land a teaching job. Who knows, maybe I'll switch to Special Education after my time with the intellectually disabled at Indian Creek (a job I also love very much) or chose to accept the loan forgiveness perks of working in an inner city district. Either way, I'll be doing what I love, what I really feel I was meant to do. And I am one of the best there ever was at it.

1) If you've had enough sap, then go ahead and stop reading here...

Seeing as it's Christmas, and I am in a particularly grateful mood this year, I have to say that far & away my greatest single accomplishment has been landing Meg, and somehow holding onto her for all this time. Megan is sweet, funny, ultra thoughtful, gorgeous, brilliant, modest, surprisingly adventurous, elegant, tolerant, hopeful, conscientious, trusting, trustworthy, responsible, incomparably adorable, devoted, ambitious, amazing, and perfectly imperfect. She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, and she manages to wear it on even the darkest days. She inspired me to go to college, and supported me when I needed to take a break from it. She made me go to the doctor. She puts up with my constant need for attention and even my unhealthy infatuation with Christina Ricci. She doesn't mind my messes, and is more than willing to make messes of her own. She knows that I am prone to fits of doom, and she's able to pull me out of them with little more than a hug. She loves my friends & family, and my friends & family love her-I'm convinced even more than they love me. She's a dog person and a tequila girl. She has only moderately terrible taste in music. She is really, really short, and really, really cute. She talks too fast, which forces me to listen to every word. She is way out of my league. She is a lot tougher than she looks. She is far and away the best thing that has ever happened to me; I'm a MUCH better person for having her in my life. Someday she's going to have my babies and be my wife (hopefully not in that order). I don't even want to think about where my life would be without her in it. She's worth every ounce of energy I've ever had to put into our relationship, a million times over. She's the greatest love of my life, and she loves me for me. Not bad for a fat kid, huh?

Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you to all of you who are a part of me.

-Joey

The "Corpse Collectors" collect indeed

2008-12-24T02:12:00.004-05:00

Congrats to the 2008 Insomniacs Club Fantasy Football champs, Travis' Corpse Collectors, who reeled off an impressive 9-game winning streak to pull of the victory after looking positively dead in the water early in the year. Even more impressive was the fact that he survived the egg laid by Kurt Warner and still ended up with his highest scoring game of the season.

Our league is extremely high-scoring and competitive, featuring a unique 2-QB system that demands that owners stay very much on top of the action as the season unfolds. This was our third year, and by all accounts the league just gets better & better every season.

Congratulations to Travis. I feel badly that the league was free this year, since I know he could use the cash. If he has enough karma built up, perhaps he'll hit it big on the scratch offs I gave him for Christmas.

Our football league is limited to Kidspeace staff @ this time, but if you're interested, I also run a NASCAR league that was hugely successful last season (our first). I'll be posting registration information in mid-January; last year's overall champion took home $350 just in time for Christmas...hoping to grow the league even bigger this time around.

The hundred

2008-12-20T09:58:00.002-05:00

Joey's Cannonball Read list:

1. Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
2. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
3. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (yes, I've read The Da Vinci Code)
4. In America by Susan Sontag
5. Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh
6. New England White by Stephen L. Carter
7. Lisey's Story by Stephen King
8. Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow
9. 1776 by David McCullough
10. The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway
11. Alaska by James Michener
12. Texas by James Michener
13. Camel Club by David Baldacci
14. Hour Game by David Baldacci
15. Stone Cold by David Baldacci
16. Simple Genius by David Baldacci
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
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24.
25.
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27.
28.
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.
36.
37.
38.
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43.
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.
50.
100. War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Cannonball Read

2008-12-20T09:45:00.003-05:00

Found a quasi-contest on my witty and talented friend Prisco's blog that piques my interest. He's calling it "cannonball read," and the basic premise is to read and review 100 books over the course of the next year. Seeing as I have the better part of 8 hours a night, 5 days a week to read now that I can't use my laptop @ work anymore, I might as well write about all the books I've been reading to pass the time when there's nothing supervisor-ish for me to do.

Check out Prisco's blog for the details. Im posting my 100, beginning with books that I currently own but haven't read yet. Plenty of room for recommendations, folks, but please keep in mind that I'm very closed-minded and reluctant to try anything new!

A tale of two companies

2008-12-20T00:30:00.010-05:00

I work for two very different companies in two very similar fields. I took a 2nd job last August because I'm sick and tired of being broke, and I want Meg and I to be in the best possible financial position when the time comes to sign on our house in 2011. I was very picky about where I would work; I didn't want to just take some meaningless retail or manual labor job where I'd be forced to work with people I didn't care about for people who didn't care about me.

I stumbled upon a local company (Let's call them Prime Rib from here on) that serves intellectually disabled adults and had open positions that fit my already tight schedule while offering the relevant experience and job satisfaction that I was looking for. I was hired quickly, and have been working there for a little over three months now with few complaints. PR was recently named to that "Best places to work in PA" list, and I can personally attest to the validity of its' nomination.

My other employer (Chopped Liver, to protect the innocent-me) used to be a good place to work too. But for a litany of reasons, mostly mistakes made on every level in the company's relentless quest to be the end-all/be-all in treatment for behaviorally disordered kids across the country (and make all the bigwigs boatloads of $$$ in the process), it isn't such a great place to work anymore. A few of the gory details:

-Vacations rolled back "to better reflect industry standards" in late '07. Resulted in me personally losing 5 Vacation days this year, and 10 days next year through whenever I finally decide to leave. Cost to me (rough estimate): $560 in '08 and $1120 in '09 & beyond. Not to mention that precious "mental health" time away from the extreme stress of the job that vacation time provides is lost as well. Because I have three weddings next year, of which I am in two (and I work every weekend), I will be left with no choice but to use nearly my entire allotment of hard-earned vacation time to cover wedding-related activities in '09. My first day off next year outside of my normal Sunday/Monday rotation won't come until July 10th.

-Overtime eliminated in mid-'08; all OT must now have "administrative approval," which means that it isn't going to be approved unless there is no other feasible way to cover things. Notorious OT abusers go unpunished; instead everyone loses.

-"Census-driven staffing," meaning that units are staffed at minimum levels per the ratio specified in governmental regulations. No extra staff on hand to assist with crisis (or any other abnormal) situations. By the way, overnight ratio is 16:1; can you handle 16 rowdy (on their best day) teenagers alone?

-Many open positions eliminated; some excellent staff laid off or offered positions @ substantial pay cuts, which coincidentally hurts their ability to collect unemployment as well.

-'09 budget approved with pay cuts for every employee (more on this later).

-Most employee appreciation and similar activities eliminated or held only on employee time @ employee expense.

-"Personal belongings in the workplace" policy enacted in reaction to a client overdose on staff medication; now all employee belongings, from wallets to cell phones to laptops, etc must be locked up. While the situation that sparked this policy was a horrible tragedy and the policy makes a lot of sense when the kids are awake, what about the wee hours of the morning when staff are dying for something to occupy themselves as the kids are sleeping? If not amended, I won't be able to bring my laptop to complete schoolwork anymore once I go back to KU, unless I want to violate the rules. What's next, if a staff reading a book fails to notice a client doing something inappropriate, are they going to ban books too? Once again everyone suffers the consequences of a few bad/inept apples.

-Absentee supervisors/managers continue to collect hefty paychecks for time they haven't put in. Perhaps they'd be held accountable, if their own managers & supervisors were ever around themselves.

-Countless wonderful staff lost to frustration and better opportunities elsewhere. Those left behind wondering whey they shouldn't do the same.

Now, I am certainly not perfect. But I really feel that the problems facing CL are less a result of a failing economy or a shift in referral practices by the agencies that fill our beds, and more a result of years of mismanagement, negligence and greed on the part of those at the top of the chain of command. In this way, the problems at CL are very reflective of the problems facing our entire nation; decades of corporate greed have poisoned our economy, and now we're all paying the price.

Our new CEO, who is a bank guy, is trying everything he can to keep the ship afloat, and I applaud his efforts-I am particularly impressed by the pay cut that only minimally impacts frontline employees, who will lose less than $200 over the course of the year...pennies, really, while the bigwigs will lose up to 10% of their bloated yearly bounties-but I feel like I'm scrambling up the stern of the Titanic as it pitched up out of the sea just before its' inevitable plunge to the bottom. Will I be sucked under with it?

PR has had its' problems too. The house I work in was cited for a serious safety violation during a recent inspection, and it took a mammoth effort to remedy the situation. The difference is, PR not only aggressively treated the problem right away, it continually includes staff input in its' decision-making, because the staff who actually do the work of the company are valuable to those on the executive level. There is no Grand Canyon-sized disconnect like the one between the executive fantasy and frontline reality @ CL.

CL would do well to take a page out of PR's book. Treat your employees well, and they'll be more inclined to take bullets for you. Act like they should feel lucky to have a job, and run the risk that they actually will find another one somewhere else.

What am I going to do? Stay tuned...

-Joey

The prodigal slacker returns

2008-12-20T00:08:00.007-05:00

Remember all of those great things I was going to do this year? I didn't do any of them.

I was going to write more. I couldn't have written less. I was going to read War & Peace. I stopped lugging it around after a week or so (probably less than 50 pages in-Why the fuck did nobody tell me that half of it is in French???). I was going to be healthier. The clerks at the local Mcdonald's & Wendy's not only know me by name, they already have my order entered when they hear the signature tick tick ticking of my belagured engine in their drive-thru speaker. And yes, I was going to get that fixed too...

I was going to make more time for my friends and family. I can count one one hand the number of times I've seen my mother, brother and sister this year, and they all live within 10 minutes of me. I was going to make a better effort to move my relationship with Meg forward; most days anymore it seems like all we really are is roommates.

Life just gets in the way of good intentions sometimes.

Not that the past year has been a total loss. Meg and I are now in a house that, if all goes well, we will purchase in two and a half years thanks to my grandmother's generosity. I am gainfully employed (x2) which is more than I can say for, what, 7% of America right now? My last doctor's appointment revealed a suprisingly healthy person (good blood sugar & pressure, cholesterol, etc) is still hiding beneath all this extra insulation. I still have most of the hair on my head, and more and more on my back everyday.

I'm going to try blogging again. Maybe this time it'll stick.

-Joey

Oh, and I'm going to stop signing off with pretentious mood-revealing signatures. Because that really isn't me.

Stop the abuse!

2008-01-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading my health-related posts, you can see that I'm not all that big on resolve. I tend to latch onto the first reason not to do something; I am the King of Excuses & Rationalization. With that in mind, I decided to make my resolution this year (besides the usual generic "be a better person" type of declarations I always roll out on the 1st and break by January 15th) a simple, highly attainable one:

I'm going to try to stop over-using (and misusing) semicolons, parenthesis, hyphens, quotation marks and...my favorite...trailing off with "..." all the time.

Deep down I'm still carrying that wannabe writer torch; and while I feel my style is highly readable, it certainly could use some polishing. When I write I basically transcribe the voice inside my head, which leads to an informal, conversational tone that lends itself to run-ons and other similar grammatical transgressions. At times I struggle to sense when and where to pinch off the flow. The result can be really haphazard. While I have no intention of being too formal or stuffy or British, I do want what I write to feel less like jottings on a Post-It and more like a finished product. I believe the answer simply lies in more thorough and frequent editing on my part. I am going to make a conscious effort to comb back over the things I write so that I can filter some of the sloppiness out. Whenever they appear, the aforementioned crutches will be scrutinized for relevance with extreme prejudice, in the hope that they rear their ugly faces with far less frequency.

Okay, that last sentence is sounding really sanctimonious, which is not my intent...

...damn it!

Anyway, if you notice my older blogs changing slightly, chalk it up to editing practice. And as always, let me know what you think.

Analytically,

-Joey

To the victor go the spoils...

2008-01-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

All is right with the world tonight, for the mighty Cowpies of Dallas have fallen to my Giants, who played their Davidian role beautifully.

Hold on folks, that's Davidian as in David & Goliath, not those wackos from Waco.

Even with the majority of their secondary hobbled or out entirely, their freak of nature wideout gimpy, and their humble superstar tight end done since the end of the regular season, my Giants managed to pull out the victory. Brandon Jacobs and "new lightning" Ahmad Bradshaw stepped up their game, as did old pro Amani Toomer, and the defense played magnificently, bending but refusing to break at the most crucial times. Eli once again didn't kill them, and punter Jeff Feagles was a field position maestro the entire night. It was awesome to watch.

Of course, the Cowboys more or less killed themselves with penalty after stupid penalty, and Tony Romo-Simpson couldn't be the hero this time, as his final desperate heave into the endzone was mercifully picked off by R.W. McQuarters with just a couple of ticks left on the clock. Riveting stuff. All this despite Coach Coughlin trying his best to let the Boys back in with his ultra-conservative playcalling once the Giants got the lead. Classic NFC East football.

The game ended just in time, for if I had to hear Joe Buck talking about Dallas center Andre Garoude's shotgun snapping deficiencies one more time, I'd be on my way to big D right now to cut his heart out with a spoon. Has he ever even touched a football? I mean, Aikman at least has the knowledge and experience to make up for his complete lack of personality; listening to Buck's rantings makes me wonder just how many wedgies he had to endure as a child (or a twentysomething) to make him such a whiny little bitch.

Speaking of that, Meg's brother Brandon, whom I adore tremendously, has one serious personality flaw: He is a Dallas fan. I tell Meg's dad all the time that I consider that to be a failure on his part as a father. But not only is he a Dallas fan, he is a bit of a sore loser. After the game he basically stormed out of the house without so much as a word. The kid eats, breathes and sleeps football. I wish I had time for that. He's a great guy otherwise; he's one of those people who actually care enough about the starving children in Africa to do something about it, but I'm disappointed that I didn't get a chance to watch him stew over the turkey tetrazzini @ dinner.

As if it matters anyway. This is New England's year, remember? The other winners this weekend are just postponing the inevitable. But it'll still be fun to watch.

Triumphantly,

-Joey

Ho Ho Holy Cow it's 2008!

2008-01-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking of having my middle name legally changed to "inconsistency." I can't believe I went a whole month without taking the time to write about anything. A lot has happened:

First, the holidays were great, as usual. I blew the $100 limit Meg & I had set out of the water Michael Scott-style; it's obvious I still fail to grasp the perils of credit card debt, but the smile it puts on her face is worth a thousand times more than I could ever possibly spend. We agreed to get a Wii, as soon as we can find one. She got me a lot of cool little things I asked for. One question though: If your girlfriend gets you a footbath AND foot spray AND foot lotion for Christmas, is she trying to tell you something? In all seriousness, it was a wonderful holiday, and I was happy to spend as much time as I could with my family. Mom gave Megan & I a generous gift that we're using to purchase an entertainment center that matches Meg's bedroom furniture and holds up to a 42" flatscreen TV; apparently someday we're going to have a kickass master bedroom (there's no way in hell it'll fit in there now though, so it's being relegated to the living room).

Shortly after Christmas I found myself investing another $1500 at Lens Crafters so that I wouldn't lose my flexible spending healthcare account. I am now the proud owner of six pairs of designer frames of varying styles, colors, and levels of usage, as well as enough contacts to last me into the year 2010. I never learn. I sign myself up for the FSA in order to force myself to go to the doctor (the money is deducted weekly, pre-tax, but if you don't use it, it becomes property of Uncle Sam), but I spent yet another year stalling and once again had to use the money somewhere that I didn't need to at the last minute. I have $3000 worth of really nice glasses (we're talking Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, and Ray Ban folks; whereas I'm more of a "gimme whatever is cheap and strong enough so that it won't break when I fall asleep with them on my face" kinda guy) yet my truck is falling apart. Priorities! The good news is that I am bound to have more than my share of qualifying medical expenses in '08, because I will have a sleep study and nutritionist appointments coming up in January from my Dr's visit in December (they couldn't squeeze them in before the 31st, unfortunately). Plus, now the company issues us a "Benny Card," which is a MasterCard linked to your FSA so that you can use it more readily at drugstores and the like. Wonder if it covers bathroom reading material?

Speaking of reading, I bit the bullet and purchased War & Peace with a giftcard that my boss gave me. I'll get back to you in August when I finish it. I am pretty much over my Cormac McCarthy kick; I highly recommend No Country for Old Men and All the Pretty Horses, but I'd only attempt the rest of the border trilogy (The Crossing and Cities of the Plain) if you really enjoy modern westerns, they were a struggle for me. I'm saving Blood Meridian for later. I also still haven't finished The Grapes of Wrath; I'm trying to read it at work, but I've been really busy and it seems like whenever I pull it out of my backpack, someone feels the need to pester me.

New Year's eve was an absolutely amazing time for us. Megan & I got tickets to a celebration at the Olive Garden (classy!) in Times Square through Mike, my best friend who works in and lives in and personifies Manhattan (the cool part, not the yuppie douchebag financial district part). This was one of those oh-so-rare nights where everything magically seemed to fall into place for us. We arrived the day before, two hours door-to-door and found a parking space on Mike & Danielle's block (they live on the upper west side), which was amazingly lucky. Then, after a hearty evening of Wii and vintage board games (Mike discovered Hotels, a kinder, gentler, quicker 3D Monopoly spinoff, back in the early 90's, and somehow still has a pristine version of it with all the pieces intact), we rested up for the big day. We left about an hour or so early so that we could get down to our designated entry point to Times Square, and even after mistakenly taking the wrong subway line because we didn't realize that they would close the Times Square stations, we arrived at the police gate at about 7:30. The police escorted us through Times Square to the door of the Olive Garden (the music of Lenny Kravitz echoing live in the background), and we were lucky enough to get a great booth near the buffet (the line was literally a quarter mile long at points, we didn't have to wait at all) and commenced to enjoy a lovely evening. I tried my best to get my money's worth out of the open bar, but wasn't able to come close, though I did have seven or eight drinks of various size, color and potency (and finished half of Meg's too).

At around eleven, Mike had the idea to start moving toward the door to go outside, which paid off brilliantly, as we were among the first wave of people to be let outside for the ball drop. We had a great view and really got caught up in all the excitement. I can't say I'd ever recommend Times Square on New Year's Eve to anyone, especially if you are uncomfortable in crowds like I am, but it was definitely worth it to have such a great memory just this once. It was actually the 100th anniversary, which makes us kind of a cool footnote, I guess. I have to hand it to Danielle, who was actually quite ill the whole time, she really stuck it out and I'm pretty sure we all had a great time. The pictures are on my Myspace if anyone wants to take a look.

By the way, Mike & Danielle got engaged later that week out in Disneyland. I couldn't be happier for them. Mike is the greatest friend I've ever had, and they fit together perfectly, like wings & beer, or a fluffernutter sandwich. Danielle is also really gorgeous, which is something nobody who ever knew Mike growing up could have ever expected would happen for him. I am ecstatic for them and have always been proud to call Mike my very best friend (outside of Meg, of course).

MMM...wings & beer. I'm doing well with the diet thing so far in '08, very little eating out, Meg & I actually laid out a menu for the first two weeks and I bought a truckload of groceries so that we would have no excuse not to follow it. I realize that it took me 30 years to accumulate these lbs, so it's going to take a while to shed them. I am giving it a shot though, in a much more attainable and realistic way than I ever have before. Hopefully I'll find some success in '08.

Anyway, now that we're caught up know that I am definitely resolved to try to write more often, and I'd also like to branch out a little more away from the deeply personal and life milestone kind of topics, so stay tuned to see what I come up with.

Thanks for reading!

-Joey

Daniel, you're a star...

2007-12-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

Daniel's service was Thursday. He would have been 16 on Sunday.

The courage my aunt continues to show is amazing. In addition to personally greeting just about every single guest that made an appearance, she stood up in front of us all and gave one of the most moving, eloquent, and emotional speeches I've ever witnessed. There wasn't a dry eye in the place when she was done. She thanked Daniel for holding on as long as he could, so that she could share those final few days with him. I was floored...we all were.

My aunt would make a great character for a coming-of-age novel. Maybe I should write it someday. She has lived with a capital L. She's made more than her share of mistakes, and has had some amazing triumphs as well. My family is full of fantastic people, but I have to say, as this whole ordeal has come to a close, my aunt has been absolutely brilliant. I'm sure some might feel otherwise, but I defy any of them to stand and deliver like she did on Thursday night.

Megan (my cousin, not Meg-my girlfriend) has also been a rock through all of this. I like to think that I could be as strong as they have been. I said a few words in eulogy as well; I wanted to recognize my aunt and cousin's bravery, and to acknowledge the warm sentiments that his friends, many of whom showed up despite knowing Daniel for mere months (he had just transferred to Norristown this year), had left on his Myspace and how comforting reading those little notes are for his family. I also wanted to speak my goodbyes to Daniel by thanking him for bringing us all just a little closer together. I made a lousy joke about his hair, and ended with the cheesy "footprints on our hearts" line from my previous blog about him. Afterwards I immediately wished that I had taken the time to prepare something formally; like my cousin Laura, who gave a great speech centered around the decision to donate his organs. But I'm glad I spoke, because I think it meant something to my aunt and Megan. I've left too many funerals wishing I'd had something to say about the deceased; we all had plenty to say about Daniel.

The only time I got really emotional at the service (aside from my aunt's speech, of course) was when I began picturing myself up there in his place. Not that I am afraid of dying; I firmly believe that when your time comes, it is inevitable, and it is important for those you've left behind to remember the good you've brought to their lives. But I pictured Meg up there, hysterical, inconsolable, feeling lost and alone, and I immediately felt guilty. If she never fell in love with me, she wouldn't have to feel that pain someday. Am I fucked in the head or what? When is her love ever going to be good enough for me to be beyond justification?

I've resolved to be closer to my family in the coming year, especially the ones who have shown me nothing but love and support over the years. My aunt and cousin need that support more than ever right now. By the way, I should also recognize Alicia, who always seems to be at her best when tragedy strikes. She and Megan have always been really close, I know she's doing everything she can to make things easier on her.

I hope I've learned whatever it is I was supposed to learn from all of this. I can't shake the feeling that I'm still standing on the edge of that cliff somewhere out there, poised to either tumble into oblivion, or turn around and embrace the opportunities that life has left sitting there for me.

Pensively,

-Joey

The Priority Puzzle

2007-12-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker the other night. In a nutshell, he said that I'm wasting my time and energy at work, and that I am losing track of my dreams and the people and things that are important to me in the process.

This guy is a bit of an enigma. He has all the talent, skill, and intelligence in the world; he is a likeable, worldly guy who I have a lot of respect for. He is also lazy, disrespectful to authority, and completely incapable of showing up to work on time. He's the kind of guy that, while you want him at your side when the shit hits the fan, you can't necessarily be sure that he's going to be there to come to your aid. He's brilliant, but his brilliance is diluted by a complete lack of effort...he is very jaded and unhappy, but either he doesn't think that he can change things for the better, or he just isn't willing to try.

Anyway, I was taken aback by his comment. Not offended; I've always welcomed and encouraged everyone's input since my promotion, because when I was in their position, I wished that my thoughts and opinions had counted for something. Though it may not be the most professional way to go, I really think it makes me a better, more approachable boss. I'd like to be the kind of boss that people want to go to battle for; that requires a lot of support from the people working for you. I don't know that I am there yet, but I'm working on it.

I set the bar really high for myself at work, and I struggle to accept it when people don't make the same effort that I'd expect of myself. I've always taken work very seriously; perhaps seeing my mother work herself to the bone growing up rubbed off on me. I have a real distaste for people who aren't willing to work, and I can't stand the people who have that "the company is lucky to have me" attitude. I'm halfway through The Grapes of Wrath; those people would have done ANYTHING for work, and I know that times have changed, but what's the point ot taking a job like ours (I work with kids) if you're going to half-ass it? The kids deserve more than that.

But I do see his point. I have big dreams. I want to teach, I want to write, I want to get married and have a family. If I get too caught up in today, am I losing track of tomorrow? Hasn't that always been my problem? What's a little ice cream today gonna hurt in the long run? I'll just throw that Playstation on my credit card, because I want it today. I'll worry about paying for it tomorrow. Maybe.

Is the place I'm at worth my effort? In light of recent company events, I'm not so sure anymore. But I'm also not so sure he has it right, either. Would he be working nights in a thankless, entry-level position if his life had turned out the way he wanted it to?

Until tomorrow,

-Joey

A cheeseburger a day...

2007-11-30T20:42:00.001-05:00

433.3

I went to the doctor today for the first time in over a year (not including work-related physicals). I decided to try yet another new doctor, because I've never been a doctor-going kind of guy, and since I'm staring 30 in the face it's probably time for me to start taking care of myself.

There was some good news and some bad news. The good: I'm not 30 yet. The bad: just about everything else.

I have spent the past 20-odd years methodically destroying my body. I am SEVERELY overweight; more than 200 pounds. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my hands hurt, my chest hurts, and perhaps worst of all, my pride hurts too. I have a terrible food addiction, and though I've had intermittent spurts of motivation here and there over the years, on the whole I'm about as driven as a hibernating bear to change my poor diet & exercise habits, and my lifestyle as a whole.

The dangerous part: Meg, who should have been my inspiration to change, has grown accustomed to living with me, and I fear that my poor influence is beginning to affect her health as well.

So where does it end?

The doctor's visit was actually quite refreshing; he was honest with me, but he was also very upbeat. I didn't feel judged at all. We had a very frank discussion about my goals and dreams, and I think he was satisfied with my perception of my own reality. I know I'm dangerously fat, and I know that I need to do something about it. Like many fat people, I also know alot about how to do it, but I've never been motivated enough to avoid those little traps that have always led to failure for me. We discussed my family's health history in detail, and I was pleased that he seemed to feel strongly that bariatric surgery is not the solution I should be searching for. While I'm not about to blame my father's problems on his surgery (I believe wholeheartedly that he probably ignored most of the advice that his doctors have given him..his willingness to throw the advice of the doctors who saved his life-they wanted him to lose more weight-out the window because he feels he knows better than them is all the proof I need), I've never felt that it would be the right solution for me. I like to exercise; I always feel great leaving the gym, exhausted, muscles pulsing and heart racing. I just never seem to get around to it.

Food is the bigger problem. I've come to rely on fast food and takeout for the majority of my meals (no wonder I'm broke), to the point where I'm actually bored with eating out altogether. Meg and I are probably some of Vince's best customers @ Dominick's. I'll spare the gory details; the bottom line: I eat to excess on a regular basis, and I am sick of it.

So the plan is to start slow. The doctor ordered some bloodwork (cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid) and referred me to a nutritionist and a sleep specialist. I'm going to spend December increasing my activity bit-by-bit, starting with walking the streets around here and maybe the trails @ work in the morning. Come January, I plan to join Brandon's gym so that he can help motivate me to go. My next appointment with the doctor is in March.

I've known for a long time that I need to do something. Honestly, if I don't do it now, than I probably never will, and my family will have another funeral to go to before much longer...

Wish me luck.

-Joey

Learning from loss

2007-11-29T18:46:00.000-05:00

As I sit down to write, my 15 year old cousin is laying on an operating table at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia while surgeons attempt to harvest his usable organs. From what I've heard, part of his liver is going to an 11-month-old baby.

I like to think that Daniel would smile knowing that in death he is helping save other people's lives. He was a good kid who grew up in an environment that was tough and unfair; for the sake of my aunt in her time of loss I'll refrain from commenting further or passing judgment on a situation that I was too far removed from to truly understand.

This hurts though. Seeing him in that bed, so young and so strong and so full of potential...I don't think I'll ever really get over that. Not that I should either. How fair is it that my father, who has done everything to throw his life away over the past five decades, manages to pull through his life-and-death situation, only to revert to his same selfish, disgusting, "who can I blame for my problems today?" ways; while Daniel, feeling trapped in a life that was never fair to him, makes a mistake that he can't recover from?

Of course, everyone's living with tons of regret in the aftermath. I'm worried about my aunt and my cousin-daniel's sister. I feel bad for not playing a bigger role in his life. I wish he would have called me.

I've learned from this though, and I won't make the same mistake with Aaron. On the night Daniel was being flown to CHOP, Aaron and I were in Philadelphia; I took him to his first concert (Avenged Sevenfold @ the Electric Factory) as a reward for his awesome report card. I'm pretty sure he had a great time; I know I did. He's a good kid too, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake that Daniel did. When you're fifteen every little curveball that life throws at you feels like the end of the world; it's my responsibility as Aaron's big brother to teach him how to hit those pitches out of the park too, or at least foul them off...

On Thanksgiving I had a lot to think about, and among the many wonderful blessings that I have in my life, I should probably be most thankful that my mother was strong enough to make sure that we didn't make the same kind of mistakes that Daniel did. Believe me, I thought about it more than once. Mom is far from perfect, as we all are, but she gave us the tools to overcome our lives and the dark cloud of our father, and we're all doing okay. If I can have that kind of influence on Aaron, whose mother isn't even 1% of the woman that my mother is, then he'll have a fighting chance.

We miss you Daniel. You'll always be the good kid whose footprints on our hearts will never fade.

-Joey